A Musing of the Amusing

I have not written on this digital blog for far too long, and it perplexes me that I have gone by, day by day, without spilling my occasionally-hazardous thoughts and musings onto this virtual canvas. As an individual, I have undoubtedly progressed beyond recognition in these past few months. What caused such a dramatic, drastic alteration in my perception and demeanor? The simple answer to this is university. The long answer, unfortunately, is not as succinct.

I believe that I have developed, arbitrarily, a new outlook on this wild journey that we call life. I am a mere 18 years of age (yes! I have aged since the last blog entry!), and it is debatable whether I can be considered mature for my age. I suppose not, since I have done some regrettable and unreasonable actions over the course of a mere few months. However, I have experienced more of life, broken down more of my barriers, accepted more opportunities, outlooks, and people, and overall delved further into the university experience. Without a doubt, my activities could range further, but my work-heavy schedule rarely permits such luxuries.

I am content with my circumstances and know that this positive outlook and these nouvelle experiences will accompany me well into next year. I will continue to flourish and learn what these eighteen years of acquired knowledge really mean in my architectural studies.

Wish me luck, wispy entity!

Titleless

I wish I was more eloquent.

Of course, merely wishing for something to occur is just wishful thinking. It requires action; a catalyst, in order for it to become reality. However, I am so swamped with work and tiredness lately that the possibility of studying grammar books does not seem feasible nor appealing. I guess I will wallow away in this minor pity for a few moments to come.

Lately, my time has been consumed by working full-time at an architecture firm. My time at the office has been one of great understanding and enlightenment, and also one of immense guilt. For reasons unbeknownst to myself, I have an immense guilty conscience that nags me without cease. It tells me that I should leap ahead when learning new computer programs, despite how abstract they may be to me. It tells me I should work two times as hard as I am capable of, it tells me that I should be three times better than I can ever hope to be. It tells me I am insufficient in several manners, and thus I am undeserving of my job. Next week, I will silence it with a marvelous work ethic and a beautiful Revit model. I love to prove my negativity wrong. And I will treat myself with some calorie-rich foods. The thought of it makes my mouth water with pure greed for sugary or salty goodness.

I will speak to you soon, dear blog, when I am feeling more sufficient and eloquent.

Until then, farewell birdie.

"....Some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end." -Gilda Radner

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.
Delicious Ambiguity.”  
-Gilda Radner

What a lovely quote that clearly exemplifies my situation right now.

I guess I am far too young for an existential crisis, but I am confused about the sentiments that ravage my mind at least a week per month. It is all-consuming--a revolting sense of self-hatred, pity, despair, or lethargy that eats up my soul and leaves me as an empty soul. I become cautious of all the words that I spew, and I laugh half-heartedly at jokes that are not even vaguely funny. I teeter on the border between reality and a dream-like, trance-like state. I become the epitome of laziness, of awkwardness, of melancholy. I would like to briefly dismiss it as a passing phase; as I know, without a single doubt, that it will pass, but at the same time, to be consumed by such overwhelming emotion is surely not healthy, nor is it ever welcomed.

However, I know there is always a silver lining to such precarious situations. I have learned to avoid these detrimental feelings by, instead of spreading my negativity, embracing the emotions of others and not completely isolating myself from the world. As Gilda summarized, it is alright to not know why life is playing out as it is. Sometimes it is filled with immense and overbearing uncertainty, but if I take a step back, each moment can be savoured for what it is.

Today, I developed my sense of appreciation by catching fleeting smiles or sheepish grins of New Yorkers in the wonderfully delightful collection, Humans of New York. There is an unbelievable and awe-inspiring amount of humanity in each piece, and the miniscule caption that accompanies each piece is always a joy to read. I cannot even begin to explain the range of emotions I experience when viewing the piece, but mostly, I feel lighthearted and find myself smiling or laughing at their elated faces. It is a great feeling amidst the studying for precarious exams (which I do not expect to do well in, given the lack of studying I have done). I delved into the videos of Soul Pancake, and discovered that there is positivity among the negativity that seems to rampage our world today. I felt like the Christopher Columbus of the modern Internet world.

From that, my adventures blossomed off into the blog of one of the creative directors of Soul Pancake, titled The Cozy Hunter, which recounts her occasional ramblings that praise her son and details small moments with large emotional impacts. They are so touching; I can only imagine what it would be like to have a bundle of happiness wrapped in one's arms, or hear a heartfelt giggle and see a lopsided smile from a pure and innocent soul that is of one's own creation. It would be an unparalleled experience, I would imagine.

I suppose that every day is a day of self-discovery, but today in particular taught me the importance of seizing the moment and not letting a day be wasted on self-loathing and immense loads of stress (if I can help it--this seems unrealistically idealistic). I will learn to manage my time so that I am underwhelmed by burdens, and overwhelmed by activities I enjoy.

And with that, I will sleep in the wee hours of a June morning feeling utterly blissful, with only a desire to delve into Humans of New York at a later date when my schedule is clear and I am not in such a sorry state.

My thoughts in this entry are particularly disjointed, but...

"Some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end."

That's the beauty of it all.

"Architects are late bloomers." -101 Things I Learned in Architecture School

And another rant....

I am so ridiculously grateful for an opportunity to share my disjointed thoughts. It really clears up my head, even if it is only for a moment. I've managed to get past some major hurdles in my life, and I find this to be a great accomplishment. Nonetheless, it was not without its share of difficulties. Below, I will expand upon such accomplishments and failures. Although they may seem insignificant, for my relentless and stubborn nature, it is definitely a great feat.

Firstly, I've managed to finally, successfully teach the class of infants. Quite honestly, many people in my grade work tirelessly in organizations and on paid and non-paid work. They are able to juggle work and school, and never complain because it becomes part of their bliss. Take Jason or Alana, for example. They have had prior experience with kids, and they seemed to have enjoyed it. However, for me, as I am a reasonably sheltered and reserved individual, such activities are new to me. When experiencing the children's elated faces during class, I feel a sense of happiness and comfort. Nonetheless, they do overreact with immense, unexplainable joy sometimes, and although I cannot explain it, it makes me share their moments of bliss as well. It is such an accomplishment to have finally understood a little bit of who they are, and what they like.
I must learn to communicate with parents, though. I also have to diversify my activities, and try to be more creative so they don't lose interest (and the parents don't lose interest!). These age groups are so enlightening to work with as they progress so quickly. A child of 6 years old is much more willing to explore than a child of 4 years, and so on. From passive to active, there are so many different learning styles. It's great to know them all and expand one's knowledge gradually.

Secondly, I've learned to cope with my reclusive nature. Since I'm naturally an introvert, showing affection, or just not shying away from people, is such a difficult task. I feel like it is necessary sometimes, so I do not lash out inappropriately at others, but sometimes to whom I need to talk. For example, I love my HALA and the gifted group is wonderful, but Laura, Calvin, and others never refuse to talk to me when I'm at my worst. It's such an odd balance. I really do love so many people, and I feel as if I may be the one suffocating some of them. Hence, it is difficult for me to speak with some of them, namely those I think highly of. This doesn't make much sense; I often even confuse myself. Again, very counter-intuitive. Tl;dr: I have two separate groups to which I speak when I'm happy or when I'm sad. I hope when they're sad or happy, they'll be willing to share a little bit of their stories with me.

Thirdly, I've taken to treating extracurricular activities as breathing room, away from the hustle and bustle of classroom life. As people are stressed during this time of the year, it seems only natural that they show the best or worst sides of themselves. I believe that I've become very hate-able, and rarely loveable because of my drastic emotional changes. If I am loveable, they may see me as something I am not. What am I, after all?

Fourthly, university is another burden. There are course selections, new friendships, and Ottawa, which is anywhere from 4-6 hours away from the humble town of Thornhill. Such a thought alarms me; I will be leaving behind the familiarity of my lifestyle and my friends, and I will be mediocre among such a high-achieving crowd. I do believe that they all have some wondrous qualities about them; approachability, humbleness, skill (artistic, linguistic, mathematical, scientific...), and such a range of knowledge. I don't know if architecture is all it's made out to be, but so far, I am very excited to go into such a program. I am no better than anyone going into engineering, business, mathematics, or medicine; I am most likely worse because of job uncertainty and program costs versus resulting output in income.

But, even though I'm romanticizing the notion, imagine building something that people will look at and admire! As Maya Lin (American architectural designer and engineer that designed the Vietnam Veterans Memorial) once said... 

"I try to give people a different way of looking at their surroundings. That's art to me." 

Well, to conclude such a jumble of random ramblings, I suppose I would say that I am still grateful for everything and everyone around me. I am grateful that I can still smile at them, laugh with them, joke with them, and, at times, be unnecessarily cruel to them (must work on that! When feeling angered, just talk it out, draw, or read. There are constructive distractions which solve the problem. When feeling desperate, I should sleep.)

I am grateful for the warmer weather, for chirping birds, and for walks to school and back.

I am grateful for my education.

Things to Remember:
-Listen, learn, and speak only when needed when feeling moody. Interruptions are not usually appreciated. 
-School is almost over. This is the final push; there are a few more assignments to get through in Calculus, English, and French, but they will be interesting. Although it is such a massive amount of work, once this week and the next week are over, I will have a little window of opportunity to take a breath.
 -When all else fails, sleep. An additional hour of sleep does wonders to a fatigued mind.
-Drinking tea during the exam period will be very constructive.
-Even though I hate it, I will have to watch my little brother. I love him and his considerate nature, but he is such a fickle person when it comes to homework.
 -Hang out with friends that are insistent. At the least, they remember me and I must appreciate them for it. It's great to have friends that are willing to go out of their way to spend a day with you.(Thanks, Rachel L and Pie!)
-As always, the world is not as negative as one would think. Although there are now riots in the democratic country of Turkey, namely in Istanbul, let us not forget the rising amount of activism for acceptance and appreciation. And of course, I have been delving into architecture at my own pace. Found a little gem within a book I borrowed from my boss.

Architects are late bloomers.
Most architects do not hit their professional stride until around age 50! There is perhaps no other profession that requires one to integrate such a broad range of knowledge into something so specifi c and concrete. An architect must be knowledgeable in history, art, sociology, physics, psychology, materiality, symbology, political process, and innumerable other fields, and must create a building that meets regulatory codes, keeps out the weather, withstands earthquakes, has functioning elevators and mechanical systems, and meets the complex functional and emotional needs of its users. Learning to integrate so many concerns into a cohesive product takes a long time, with lots of trial and error along the way. If you’re going to be in the field of architecture, be in it for the long haul. It’s worth it.

....And with that, I shall leave you. Good night, humble little blog. See you soon!

"No man is an island." -John Donne

I'm trying to take pleasure in little things, like a smile from a stranger or a breathe of fresh air. Those are beautiful little things that must be appreciated.... and yet,

I'm alarmed about how much I expose to other people nowadays. It's detrimental because they'll be formulating an opinion about me; and I hate burdening anyone about these petty problems. And I can see some of them care. And that scares me and relieves me at the same time; why do they care about my minor issues?

For example, I recall someone showing me some poems. When typing them, I felt truly inspired to become someone great; but then I pried too much and I ended up laughing at an inappropriate time. I feel horrible about it because it was such a disrespectful thing to do. Nonetheless, I would just like to remember the euphoria I felt when I saw it, and breathe. It was truly beautiful; and he drew inspiration from students and teachers from his previous schools. When do you find someone that genuinely cares about literature to that extent? For so many people, visual arts and literature are creative manners to express themselves. Some may not admit it, but it is possible. When they share a little part of them with me, I feel like it's my obligation to remember what they've done for me. And so I'll document it, because when they go out of their way to see me smile, they deserve a genuine smile.

I also had an interview today with a HK documentary company. It was frightening, but I was so eager. I think they could tell by the way I tensed up so quickly. I spoke honestly and quickly, trying to summarize everything so I didn't have to speak unnecessarily. Basically, I want to be an architect because of the opportunity to help others. I've devoted myself mainly to Yearbook to bring together a community and TSAC lately and managed to raise $600 for a beautiful, timid child in Mali. That's enough for me.



I feel elevated. Even as an introvert, I feel like my purpose will not be fruitless.

Others find pleasure in math, sciences and seeing the people they care most about excel. Some of them are wonderful in maintaining your happiness when you're ecstatic, but that's not healthy. They, too have bucket loads of problems, and they've managed to live with them in their own little ways. They've made sense of numbers and variables, and logarithms and tangents.

Now I have to understand that they need to breathe too.

Although they may not be able to speak verbally to everyone, or they may look away when you look at them, you know that they are beautiful people that have just been told that they aren't. It doesn't make them lesser. It just makes them stronger. And sometimes they don't need to be told that they're amazing, but if they come to me for a smile, be sure to give it to them. It sounds fake and nasty if I tell everyone that they're great people, even if I believe it.

And if you let anything get to your head, like "one true purpose", then you'll learn to lose yourself. There's many opportunities to fulfill yourself, so long as you don't let yourself break to the public. The world is beautiful, and the world is disgusting. It is the threat of war from North Korea, the advancement of technology at an unbelievable pace, and Boston bombings that affected innocent civilians. It is the lack of education and sanitation in impoverished cities. But there's also the calm after the storm. No matter what happens, there is an opportunity to improve. Even in subtle ways.

Everyone is undeniably, irrevocably unique.

As for my family, they are my inspiration to become better, as a person. It's not the money I can make; it's the happiness that I see on the faces of people I care about the most. I know that I need a good way to release my feelings, and to not burden them with it. I need to show them that I'm different, I love their input, and I'm oblivious, but perhaps I can share with them a little bit of naivety to brighten up their days.

Important things to remember:
-Ghu Zhe's birthday is on Friday!
-Mary is helping me out on Friday for mentoring!
-Apr 23rd is Adele's birthday! She is cosplaying for Anime North. <-???? Code Geass Character, black hair, school girlish uniform.
-Rachel needs a pat on the shoulder for all her work in calc, she's doing amazingly, one step at a time.
-Pi's doing exams, she's going to be out on Apr 23rd hopefully.
-Ana doesn't eat properly! Bring her a candy tomorrow.
-River, Alana and Richard need candies as well.
-Peter has his prom date. He's smiling and texting all the time!
-Tony, Calvin, and Josh are unbelievably beautiful people. Never ever ever ever ever ever forget that!
-Walking with Laura tomorrow. Hopefully she can come at 8:00 and we can be off to talk.
-Never block off those you love or those that care. You can step back, but remember who will actually be there when you need them.
-Adults can give you wisdom to ground yourself. Do not be always euphorically thinking, but do not underappreciate the world. There is a healthy median.
-Ma will always be there for me, no matter what. Not everything is in her control, so take little acts of kindness as great packages. But don't outwardly show that either, that's just scary.
-No matter what happens on Tuesday, breathe in the air. Good weather is coming, and celebration for all the grade 12's efforts is coming.

-When  genuinely sad.... talk with key people! no one else needs to know. I've accomplished so much already.

....pinterest! Read about Le Corbusier! Motivational quotes! Read about Modern movement! Chinese history! Think about Mama and Vincy and Pi and Bab! Breathe! Walk! Do not tense up, do not act irrationally. Think about interning, about art class, about teaching kids. Smiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile and organize. 

I suppose one day I can start at the beginning, but for today, hello sweet sorrow.

An extremely close friend of mine has shut me out completely and I am at a loss for what to do. If it were an acquaintance, I would gingerly step back and become merely a bystander, unless that acquaintance were to seek help or I had the means to help him or her. However, this friend has been a shoulder to lean on for all my petty worries and has been selfless for years.

I love to be there for those who come to me, however I am quite a horrible person. Perhaps I am too selfish or too harsh, but I do know that there is no good to come of being acquainted to such a degree with me.

He has come to this realization, perhaps too late. He has not spoken with me, through the internet or in real life, for approaching 3 days. We have had a brief exchange (virtually), and I realized that if something ill has befallen him, he would not let me know.

That is how good of a friend, how wonderful of a person I am. Someone who I consider unbelievably dear disregards my abilities to help him.

I am a taker.


Why can I not give sufficiently?

Farewell, Farewell.

Farewell. If you are here, there is no need continue onwards. It is the end. Farewell, farewell.

-

 And yet, I suppose it's the beginning of something new. I've always been someone to spill my heart out, but lately, paper has been too risky and too time-consuming. I need security knowing that my thoughts will be among myself, and not be drifting in the wind for any inquisitive ear to hear.

I need some sense of security in this world that is so utterly broken.

I have tried to create a solace for myself when I am in such a desolate situation, but a solace is not always easy to find.

In order to contain my fragility and maintain a weak façade, it's time to change.

So farewell, birdie. May you take away the burdens of today, now to be virtually (oh, how elegant and charming that sounds!) scrawled down. At least tears will not stain your fibres.