"No man is an island." -John Donne

I'm trying to take pleasure in little things, like a smile from a stranger or a breathe of fresh air. Those are beautiful little things that must be appreciated.... and yet,

I'm alarmed about how much I expose to other people nowadays. It's detrimental because they'll be formulating an opinion about me; and I hate burdening anyone about these petty problems. And I can see some of them care. And that scares me and relieves me at the same time; why do they care about my minor issues?

For example, I recall someone showing me some poems. When typing them, I felt truly inspired to become someone great; but then I pried too much and I ended up laughing at an inappropriate time. I feel horrible about it because it was such a disrespectful thing to do. Nonetheless, I would just like to remember the euphoria I felt when I saw it, and breathe. It was truly beautiful; and he drew inspiration from students and teachers from his previous schools. When do you find someone that genuinely cares about literature to that extent? For so many people, visual arts and literature are creative manners to express themselves. Some may not admit it, but it is possible. When they share a little part of them with me, I feel like it's my obligation to remember what they've done for me. And so I'll document it, because when they go out of their way to see me smile, they deserve a genuine smile.

I also had an interview today with a HK documentary company. It was frightening, but I was so eager. I think they could tell by the way I tensed up so quickly. I spoke honestly and quickly, trying to summarize everything so I didn't have to speak unnecessarily. Basically, I want to be an architect because of the opportunity to help others. I've devoted myself mainly to Yearbook to bring together a community and TSAC lately and managed to raise $600 for a beautiful, timid child in Mali. That's enough for me.



I feel elevated. Even as an introvert, I feel like my purpose will not be fruitless.

Others find pleasure in math, sciences and seeing the people they care most about excel. Some of them are wonderful in maintaining your happiness when you're ecstatic, but that's not healthy. They, too have bucket loads of problems, and they've managed to live with them in their own little ways. They've made sense of numbers and variables, and logarithms and tangents.

Now I have to understand that they need to breathe too.

Although they may not be able to speak verbally to everyone, or they may look away when you look at them, you know that they are beautiful people that have just been told that they aren't. It doesn't make them lesser. It just makes them stronger. And sometimes they don't need to be told that they're amazing, but if they come to me for a smile, be sure to give it to them. It sounds fake and nasty if I tell everyone that they're great people, even if I believe it.

And if you let anything get to your head, like "one true purpose", then you'll learn to lose yourself. There's many opportunities to fulfill yourself, so long as you don't let yourself break to the public. The world is beautiful, and the world is disgusting. It is the threat of war from North Korea, the advancement of technology at an unbelievable pace, and Boston bombings that affected innocent civilians. It is the lack of education and sanitation in impoverished cities. But there's also the calm after the storm. No matter what happens, there is an opportunity to improve. Even in subtle ways.

Everyone is undeniably, irrevocably unique.

As for my family, they are my inspiration to become better, as a person. It's not the money I can make; it's the happiness that I see on the faces of people I care about the most. I know that I need a good way to release my feelings, and to not burden them with it. I need to show them that I'm different, I love their input, and I'm oblivious, but perhaps I can share with them a little bit of naivety to brighten up their days.

Important things to remember:
-Ghu Zhe's birthday is on Friday!
-Mary is helping me out on Friday for mentoring!
-Apr 23rd is Adele's birthday! She is cosplaying for Anime North. <-???? Code Geass Character, black hair, school girlish uniform.
-Rachel needs a pat on the shoulder for all her work in calc, she's doing amazingly, one step at a time.
-Pi's doing exams, she's going to be out on Apr 23rd hopefully.
-Ana doesn't eat properly! Bring her a candy tomorrow.
-River, Alana and Richard need candies as well.
-Peter has his prom date. He's smiling and texting all the time!
-Tony, Calvin, and Josh are unbelievably beautiful people. Never ever ever ever ever ever forget that!
-Walking with Laura tomorrow. Hopefully she can come at 8:00 and we can be off to talk.
-Never block off those you love or those that care. You can step back, but remember who will actually be there when you need them.
-Adults can give you wisdom to ground yourself. Do not be always euphorically thinking, but do not underappreciate the world. There is a healthy median.
-Ma will always be there for me, no matter what. Not everything is in her control, so take little acts of kindness as great packages. But don't outwardly show that either, that's just scary.
-No matter what happens on Tuesday, breathe in the air. Good weather is coming, and celebration for all the grade 12's efforts is coming.

-When  genuinely sad.... talk with key people! no one else needs to know. I've accomplished so much already.

....pinterest! Read about Le Corbusier! Motivational quotes! Read about Modern movement! Chinese history! Think about Mama and Vincy and Pi and Bab! Breathe! Walk! Do not tense up, do not act irrationally. Think about interning, about art class, about teaching kids. Smiiiiiiiiiiiiiiile and organize. 

I suppose one day I can start at the beginning, but for today, hello sweet sorrow.

An extremely close friend of mine has shut me out completely and I am at a loss for what to do. If it were an acquaintance, I would gingerly step back and become merely a bystander, unless that acquaintance were to seek help or I had the means to help him or her. However, this friend has been a shoulder to lean on for all my petty worries and has been selfless for years.

I love to be there for those who come to me, however I am quite a horrible person. Perhaps I am too selfish or too harsh, but I do know that there is no good to come of being acquainted to such a degree with me.

He has come to this realization, perhaps too late. He has not spoken with me, through the internet or in real life, for approaching 3 days. We have had a brief exchange (virtually), and I realized that if something ill has befallen him, he would not let me know.

That is how good of a friend, how wonderful of a person I am. Someone who I consider unbelievably dear disregards my abilities to help him.

I am a taker.


Why can I not give sufficiently?

Farewell, Farewell.

Farewell. If you are here, there is no need continue onwards. It is the end. Farewell, farewell.

-

 And yet, I suppose it's the beginning of something new. I've always been someone to spill my heart out, but lately, paper has been too risky and too time-consuming. I need security knowing that my thoughts will be among myself, and not be drifting in the wind for any inquisitive ear to hear.

I need some sense of security in this world that is so utterly broken.

I have tried to create a solace for myself when I am in such a desolate situation, but a solace is not always easy to find.

In order to contain my fragility and maintain a weak façade, it's time to change.

So farewell, birdie. May you take away the burdens of today, now to be virtually (oh, how elegant and charming that sounds!) scrawled down. At least tears will not stain your fibres.