“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.
Delicious Ambiguity.”
-Gilda Radner
What a lovely quote that clearly exemplifies my situation right now.
I guess I am far too young for an existential crisis, but I am confused about the sentiments that ravage my mind at least a week per month. It is all-consuming--a revolting sense of self-hatred, pity, despair, or lethargy that eats up my soul and leaves me as an empty soul. I become cautious of all the words that I spew, and I laugh half-heartedly at jokes that are not even vaguely funny. I teeter on the border between reality and a dream-like, trance-like state. I become the epitome of laziness, of awkwardness, of melancholy. I would like to briefly dismiss it as a passing phase; as I know, without a single doubt, that it will pass, but at the same time, to be consumed by such overwhelming emotion is surely not healthy, nor is it ever welcomed.
However, I know there is always a silver lining to such precarious situations. I have learned to avoid these detrimental feelings by, instead of spreading my negativity, embracing the emotions of others and not completely isolating myself from the world. As Gilda summarized, it is alright to not know why life is playing out as it is. Sometimes it is filled with immense and overbearing uncertainty, but if I take a step back, each moment can be savoured for what it is.
Today, I developed my sense of appreciation by catching fleeting smiles or sheepish grins of New Yorkers in the wonderfully delightful collection, Humans of New York. There is an unbelievable and awe-inspiring amount of humanity in each piece, and the miniscule caption that accompanies each piece is always a joy to read. I cannot even begin to explain the range of emotions I experience when viewing the piece, but mostly, I feel lighthearted and find myself smiling or laughing at their elated faces. It is a great feeling amidst the studying for precarious exams (which I do not expect to do well in, given the lack of studying I have done). I delved into the videos of Soul Pancake, and discovered that there is positivity among the negativity that seems to rampage our world today. I felt like the Christopher Columbus of the modern Internet world.
From that, my adventures blossomed off into the blog of one of the creative directors of Soul Pancake, titled The Cozy Hunter, which recounts her occasional ramblings that praise her son and details small moments with large emotional impacts. They are so touching; I can only imagine what it would be like to have a bundle of happiness wrapped in one's arms, or hear a heartfelt giggle and see a lopsided smile from a pure and innocent soul that is of one's own creation. It would be an unparalleled experience, I would imagine.
I suppose that every day is a day of self-discovery, but today in particular taught me the importance of seizing the moment and not letting a day be wasted on self-loathing and immense loads of stress (if I can help it--this seems unrealistically idealistic). I will learn to manage my time so that I am underwhelmed by burdens, and overwhelmed by activities I enjoy.
And with that, I will sleep in the wee hours of a June morning feeling utterly blissful, with only a desire to delve into Humans of New York at a later date when my schedule is clear and I am not in such a sorry state.
My thoughts in this entry are particularly disjointed, but...
"Some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end."
That's the beauty of it all.
Saturday 15 June 2013
Wednesday 5 June 2013
"Architects are late bloomers." -101 Things I Learned in Architecture School
And another rant....
I am so ridiculously grateful for an opportunity to share my disjointed thoughts. It really clears up my head, even if it is only for a moment. I've managed to get past some major hurdles in my life, and I find this to be a great accomplishment. Nonetheless, it was not without its share of difficulties. Below, I will expand upon such accomplishments and failures. Although they may seem insignificant, for my relentless and stubborn nature, it is definitely a great feat.
Firstly, I've managed to finally, successfully teach the class of infants. Quite honestly, many people in my grade work tirelessly in organizations and on paid and non-paid work. They are able to juggle work and school, and never complain because it becomes part of their bliss. Take Jason or Alana, for example. They have had prior experience with kids, and they seemed to have enjoyed it. However, for me, as I am a reasonably sheltered and reserved individual, such activities are new to me. When experiencing the children's elated faces during class, I feel a sense of happiness and comfort. Nonetheless, they do overreact with immense, unexplainable joy sometimes, and although I cannot explain it, it makes me share their moments of bliss as well. It is such an accomplishment to have finally understood a little bit of who they are, and what they like.
I must learn to communicate with parents, though. I also have to diversify my activities, and try to be more creative so they don't lose interest (and the parents don't lose interest!). These age groups are so enlightening to work with as they progress so quickly. A child of 6 years old is much more willing to explore than a child of 4 years, and so on. From passive to active, there are so many different learning styles. It's great to know them all and expand one's knowledge gradually.
Secondly, I've learned to cope with my reclusive nature. Since I'm naturally an introvert, showing affection, or just not shying away from people, is such a difficult task. I feel like it is necessary sometimes, so I do not lash out inappropriately at others, but sometimes to whom I need to talk. For example, I love my HALA and the gifted group is wonderful, but Laura, Calvin, and others never refuse to talk to me when I'm at my worst. It's such an odd balance. I really do love so many people, and I feel as if I may be the one suffocating some of them. Hence, it is difficult for me to speak with some of them, namely those I think highly of. This doesn't make much sense; I often even confuse myself. Again, very counter-intuitive. Tl;dr: I have two separate groups to which I speak when I'm happy or when I'm sad. I hope when they're sad or happy, they'll be willing to share a little bit of their stories with me.
Thirdly, I've taken to treating extracurricular activities as breathing room, away from the hustle and bustle of classroom life. As people are stressed during this time of the year, it seems only natural that they show the best or worst sides of themselves. I believe that I've become very hate-able, and rarely loveable because of my drastic emotional changes. If I am loveable, they may see me as something I am not. What am I, after all?
Fourthly, university is another burden. There are course selections, new friendships, and Ottawa, which is anywhere from 4-6 hours away from the humble town of Thornhill. Such a thought alarms me; I will be leaving behind the familiarity of my lifestyle and my friends, and I will be mediocre among such a high-achieving crowd. I do believe that they all have some wondrous qualities about them; approachability, humbleness, skill (artistic, linguistic, mathematical, scientific...), and such a range of knowledge. I don't know if architecture is all it's made out to be, but so far, I am very excited to go into such a program. I am no better than anyone going into engineering, business, mathematics, or medicine; I am most likely worse because of job uncertainty and program costs versus resulting output in income.
But, even though I'm romanticizing the notion, imagine building something that people will look at and admire! As Maya Lin (American architectural designer and engineer that designed the Vietnam Veterans Memorial) once said...
I am grateful for the warmer weather, for chirping birds, and for walks to school and back.
I am grateful for my education.
Things to Remember:
-Listen, learn, and speak only when needed when feeling moody. Interruptions are not usually appreciated.
-School is almost over. This is the final push; there are a few more assignments to get through in Calculus, English, and French, but they will be interesting. Although it is such a massive amount of work, once this week and the next week are over, I will have a little window of opportunity to take a breath.
-When all else fails, sleep. An additional hour of sleep does wonders to a fatigued mind.
-Drinking tea during the exam period will be very constructive.
-Even though I hate it, I will have to watch my little brother. I love him and his considerate nature, but he is such a fickle person when it comes to homework.
-Hang out with friends that are insistent. At the least, they remember me and I must appreciate them for it. It's great to have friends that are willing to go out of their way to spend a day with you.(Thanks, Rachel L and Pie!)
-As always, the world is not as negative as one would think. Although there are now riots in the democratic country of Turkey, namely in Istanbul, let us not forget the rising amount of activism for acceptance and appreciation. And of course, I have been delving into architecture at my own pace. Found a little gem within a book I borrowed from my boss.
....And with that, I shall leave you. Good night, humble little blog. See you soon!
I am so ridiculously grateful for an opportunity to share my disjointed thoughts. It really clears up my head, even if it is only for a moment. I've managed to get past some major hurdles in my life, and I find this to be a great accomplishment. Nonetheless, it was not without its share of difficulties. Below, I will expand upon such accomplishments and failures. Although they may seem insignificant, for my relentless and stubborn nature, it is definitely a great feat.
Firstly, I've managed to finally, successfully teach the class of infants. Quite honestly, many people in my grade work tirelessly in organizations and on paid and non-paid work. They are able to juggle work and school, and never complain because it becomes part of their bliss. Take Jason or Alana, for example. They have had prior experience with kids, and they seemed to have enjoyed it. However, for me, as I am a reasonably sheltered and reserved individual, such activities are new to me. When experiencing the children's elated faces during class, I feel a sense of happiness and comfort. Nonetheless, they do overreact with immense, unexplainable joy sometimes, and although I cannot explain it, it makes me share their moments of bliss as well. It is such an accomplishment to have finally understood a little bit of who they are, and what they like.
I must learn to communicate with parents, though. I also have to diversify my activities, and try to be more creative so they don't lose interest (and the parents don't lose interest!). These age groups are so enlightening to work with as they progress so quickly. A child of 6 years old is much more willing to explore than a child of 4 years, and so on. From passive to active, there are so many different learning styles. It's great to know them all and expand one's knowledge gradually.
Secondly, I've learned to cope with my reclusive nature. Since I'm naturally an introvert, showing affection, or just not shying away from people, is such a difficult task. I feel like it is necessary sometimes, so I do not lash out inappropriately at others, but sometimes to whom I need to talk. For example, I love my HALA and the gifted group is wonderful, but Laura, Calvin, and others never refuse to talk to me when I'm at my worst. It's such an odd balance. I really do love so many people, and I feel as if I may be the one suffocating some of them. Hence, it is difficult for me to speak with some of them, namely those I think highly of. This doesn't make much sense; I often even confuse myself. Again, very counter-intuitive. Tl;dr: I have two separate groups to which I speak when I'm happy or when I'm sad. I hope when they're sad or happy, they'll be willing to share a little bit of their stories with me.
Thirdly, I've taken to treating extracurricular activities as breathing room, away from the hustle and bustle of classroom life. As people are stressed during this time of the year, it seems only natural that they show the best or worst sides of themselves. I believe that I've become very hate-able, and rarely loveable because of my drastic emotional changes. If I am loveable, they may see me as something I am not. What am I, after all?
Fourthly, university is another burden. There are course selections, new friendships, and Ottawa, which is anywhere from 4-6 hours away from the humble town of Thornhill. Such a thought alarms me; I will be leaving behind the familiarity of my lifestyle and my friends, and I will be mediocre among such a high-achieving crowd. I do believe that they all have some wondrous qualities about them; approachability, humbleness, skill (artistic, linguistic, mathematical, scientific...), and such a range of knowledge. I don't know if architecture is all it's made out to be, but so far, I am very excited to go into such a program. I am no better than anyone going into engineering, business, mathematics, or medicine; I am most likely worse because of job uncertainty and program costs versus resulting output in income.
But, even though I'm romanticizing the notion, imagine building something that people will look at and admire! As Maya Lin (American architectural designer and engineer that designed the Vietnam Veterans Memorial) once said...
"I try to give people a different way of looking at their surroundings. That's art to me."Well, to conclude such a jumble of random ramblings, I suppose I would say that I am still grateful for everything and everyone around me. I am grateful that I can still smile at them, laugh with them, joke with them, and, at times, be unnecessarily cruel to them (must work on that! When feeling angered, just talk it out, draw, or read. There are constructive distractions which solve the problem. When feeling desperate, I should sleep.)
I am grateful for the warmer weather, for chirping birds, and for walks to school and back.
I am grateful for my education.
Things to Remember:
-Listen, learn, and speak only when needed when feeling moody. Interruptions are not usually appreciated.
-School is almost over. This is the final push; there are a few more assignments to get through in Calculus, English, and French, but they will be interesting. Although it is such a massive amount of work, once this week and the next week are over, I will have a little window of opportunity to take a breath.
-When all else fails, sleep. An additional hour of sleep does wonders to a fatigued mind.
-Drinking tea during the exam period will be very constructive.
-Even though I hate it, I will have to watch my little brother. I love him and his considerate nature, but he is such a fickle person when it comes to homework.
-Hang out with friends that are insistent. At the least, they remember me and I must appreciate them for it. It's great to have friends that are willing to go out of their way to spend a day with you.(Thanks, Rachel L and Pie!)
-As always, the world is not as negative as one would think. Although there are now riots in the democratic country of Turkey, namely in Istanbul, let us not forget the rising amount of activism for acceptance and appreciation. And of course, I have been delving into architecture at my own pace. Found a little gem within a book I borrowed from my boss.
Architects are late bloomers.
Most architects do not hit their professional stride until around age 50! There is perhaps no other profession that requires one to integrate such a broad range of knowledge into something so specifi c and concrete. An architect must be knowledgeable in history, art, sociology, physics, psychology, materiality, symbology, political process, and innumerable other fields, and must create a building that meets regulatory codes, keeps out the weather, withstands earthquakes, has functioning elevators and mechanical systems, and meets the complex functional and emotional needs of its users. Learning to integrate so many concerns into a cohesive product takes a long time, with lots of trial and error along the way. If you’re going to be in the field of architecture, be in it for the long haul. It’s worth it.
....And with that, I shall leave you. Good night, humble little blog. See you soon!
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