“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.
Delicious Ambiguity.”
-Gilda Radner
What a lovely quote that clearly exemplifies my situation right now.
I guess I am far too young for an existential crisis, but I am confused about the sentiments that ravage my mind at least a week per month. It is all-consuming--a revolting sense of self-hatred, pity, despair, or lethargy that eats up my soul and leaves me as an empty soul. I become cautious of all the words that I spew, and I laugh half-heartedly at jokes that are not even vaguely funny. I teeter on the border between reality and a dream-like, trance-like state. I become the epitome of laziness, of awkwardness, of melancholy. I would like to briefly dismiss it as a passing phase; as I know, without a single doubt, that it will pass, but at the same time, to be consumed by such overwhelming emotion is surely not healthy, nor is it ever welcomed.
However, I know there is always a silver lining to such precarious situations. I have learned to avoid these detrimental feelings by, instead of spreading my negativity, embracing the emotions of others and not completely isolating myself from the world. As Gilda summarized, it is alright to not know why life is playing out as it is. Sometimes it is filled with immense and overbearing uncertainty, but if I take a step back, each moment can be savoured for what it is.
Today, I developed my sense of appreciation by catching fleeting smiles or sheepish grins of New Yorkers in the wonderfully delightful collection, Humans of New York. There is an unbelievable and awe-inspiring amount of humanity in each piece, and the miniscule caption that accompanies each piece is always a joy to read. I cannot even begin to explain the range of emotions I experience when viewing the piece, but mostly, I feel lighthearted and find myself smiling or laughing at their elated faces. It is a great feeling amidst the studying for precarious exams (which I do not expect to do well in, given the lack of studying I have done). I delved into the videos of Soul Pancake, and discovered that there is positivity among the negativity that seems to rampage our world today. I felt like the Christopher Columbus of the modern Internet world.
From that, my adventures blossomed off into the blog of one of the creative directors of Soul Pancake, titled The Cozy Hunter, which recounts her occasional ramblings that praise her son and details small moments with large emotional impacts. They are so touching; I can only imagine what it would be like to have a bundle of happiness wrapped in one's arms, or hear a heartfelt giggle and see a lopsided smile from a pure and innocent soul that is of one's own creation. It would be an unparalleled experience, I would imagine.
I suppose that every day is a day of self-discovery, but today in particular taught me the importance of seizing the moment and not letting a day be wasted on self-loathing and immense loads of stress (if I can help it--this seems unrealistically idealistic). I will learn to manage my time so that I am underwhelmed by burdens, and overwhelmed by activities I enjoy.
And with that, I will sleep in the wee hours of a June morning feeling utterly blissful, with only a desire to delve into Humans of New York at a later date when my schedule is clear and I am not in such a sorry state.
My thoughts in this entry are particularly disjointed, but...
"Some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end."
That's the beauty of it all.
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